Colorado Memoir
Packing up your life and moving somewhere completely new is no small task. There came a time where I needed a change of pace and scenery. For 16 months I was in a tiny mountain town nestled in the foothills of the Rocky Mountains. I have wandered the landscapes there, the mountains, canyons and rivers. I have shed a lot of layers of who I’ve been conditioned to be. A girl from the midwest just trying to figure out how to live a life she’s always dreamt of by moving halfway across the country and living in the mountains. I’ve always wanted more for myself. I came out to Colorado for some soul searching and recently read the book “Conversations with God” by Neale Donald Walsch (which is an absolute GREAT read) that has given me a lot of clarity. “The deepest secret is that life is not a process of discovery, but a process of creation. You are not discovering yourself, but creating yourself anew. Seek, therefore, not to find out Who You Are, seek to determine Who You Want to Be” (Walsch). My perspective broadened once I read that. We are constantly creating our reality. Our most inner beliefs will create it.
The first time I ever went to Colorado was in 2018. I had never seen mountains like this in my life. I found myself on top of a 14,000 ft mountain named Mt. Evans with my best friend Evan and our friend Katie who was the best Colorado tour guide. I stood at the edge of some rocks looking down at the vastness of it all. I remember standing there and thinking that my problems are SO small compared to the landscape that lays before my eyes. It was a humbling and eye opening experience for me. I fell in love with Colorado because of this trip.
on top of Mt. Evans in 2018
Ever since my first time in Colorado, I found myself coming back time and time again. To go snowboarding, to see The 1975 at Red Rocks (which ended up being cancelled), to ending up spending 3 weeks in Colorado when it was only supposed to be a 4 day trip. In 2021, a friend of mine told me that I had to meet this woman named Beth who lived in Colorado. We stayed at her house in a small mountain town in Colorado. We were only supposed to be there for 3-4 days. We ended up extended our trip around 4 times and stayed in Colorado for 3 weeks. This was the longest “vacation” I had ever been on. At the time, I was working at a radio station as the videographer / video editor but we were all still working from home because of Covid. I asked my boss if he was okay with me working from Colorado and I got the OK. I was working remotely from Colorado while I enjoyed 3 weeks of adventures, nature, and community. It was a trip that rewired my nervous system. I almost went home early because there was this sense that I shouldn’t be gone on a trip this long and that I needed to get home and go back to work (even with the OK from my boss). It’s so interesting how conditioning from society can show up in our beliefs. Luckily my friend absolutely not leaving early and I’m grateful for that experience because I feel like I got a bit of a taste of life in Colorado from this trip.
3 Week Trip in Colorado, 2021
My time living in Colorado was an introspective one. I first moved out there in February of 2023. I quit my real estate photography job in Michigan because I knew that I had a deeper purpose here. I had just started getting used to the solid paychecks coming in, but even then, it was not fulfilling to me. I also had a lot of distractions in my life back in Michigan. I needed a fresh start and a safe place where I could do this inner work. I didn’t really have a plan of where I was going to live or how I was going to make it happen, I was just trusting that it would work out. I remembered that my friend Beth who I had stayed with in 2021 for 3 weeks, lives in Colorado. I called her up to let her know that I was planning to come out to Colorado and wished to reconnect with her. Right then and there on that phone call, she invited me to live with her. It was a TRUE blessing. I remember jumping up and down in my childhood bedroom in my parents’ house. I was going to achieve a dream/goal of mine of living in Colorado, let alone in a mountain town. When I went out there, I had no idea what to expect, but knew that it was going to be a very inward journey and the journey wasn’t going to be all sunshine and rainbows (which Colorado is FULL of).
“The Start of a New Era..” February 21, 2023
“I have embarked on my solo journey to Colorado and it already feels so liberating to do as I please. I was so present at the retreat this weekend that I totally didn’t realize I would have to leave today. I am so grateful to be here. This path is going to lead me to my wildest dreams. Stay present. Be your most radical, authentic self. There is no one else to be except exactly who I am. Which is everything colorful, courageous, giggly, playful and ALIVE. I am free and alive.”
It’s wild to look back at my journal from that time period.. She had no idea what she was going to experience, but she was excited.
There was a darkness that had crept in soon after I got there. It honestly consumed me. What felt like the first time in my life, I could actually feel anxiety inside of my body. For once, I actually slowed all the way down and sat with myself. My whole life, I feel like I’ve always distracted myself, kept myself busy. I’d tell myself “keep going, keep DOING more, hustle more and more”. Which I came to realize, was NOT working for me. When I felt the anxiety, I felt paralyzed. I wondered how long I had gone in my life, suppressing my emotions, or having feelings of anxiety, masking it with people-pleasing and God knows what else. And just like that, my spark for life, for things I loved, dwindled. I allowed the darkness to consume me. I started feeling anxious every time I stepped out of the house. Connecting with others felt hard for me. A lot of hurt and sadness were coming up from so many situations that I still hadn’t fully processed within and truly let go of. It was like I had no idea who to be - or how to connect - even when I really wanted to. I like to think that I did the best I could of course, but in that time and space in 2023, I was alone a lot of the time. None of my friends lived close to me, whether that was in Denver which was an hour away, or across the country. I had a lot of dreams, I had no idea how to achieve them, or how to even start for that matter. Fear knocked on my door and I let her all the way the frick in. I have been grappling with fear on a whole new level ever since then. I believe that it all has come up for a reason though. We like to stand in our own way with our limiting beliefs and negative self talk. There’s an excerpt from Conversations with God that read, “The first step is learning to monitor your thoughts; to think about what you are thinking about. When you catch yourself thinking negative thoughts - thoughts that negate your highest idea about a thing - think again! I want you to do this, literally. If you think you are in a doldrum, in a pickle, and no good can come of this, think again. If you think the world is a bad place, filled with negative events, think again. If you think your life is falling apart and it looks as if you’ll never get it back together again, think again. You can train yourself to do it. (Look how well you’ve trained yourself not to do it)” (Walsch). I mean, that excerpt alone blew my mind wide open when I read it. If I knew THIS, when I was going through my dark night of the soul when I moved out to Colorado in 2023, I probably would have saved myself a lot of time. I feel like I let myself wallow in that darkness. And you know what? I still do to this day sometimes. I’m trying to be better about NOT letting myself jump down into the rabbit hole of thought streams that don’t serve me. It takes discipline and awareness of my thoughts to do so.
I stayed in Colorado until July of 2023. I packed up my things and moved into a friend’s home back in the midwest. I swear, as I was leaving the mountains in Colorado, the mountains were laughing at me saying, “What are you doing?? Pfft, you’ll be back”. There’s apparently a curse that was put on the Boulder area by Chief Niwot saying that if you come to Boulder, you will want to stay forever. If you leave, you will return until it’s actually your time to move on. After being at my friends’ for a few weeks, I realized that’s not where I wanted to be. I went back to Michigan and moved back into my parents’ home, once again. Feeling defeated. “How did I end up back here, AGAIN?” I settled in and got my groundings, filmed some weddings and had some photography gigs. Before long, I made my way back to Beth’s in my little mountain town in Colorado in January of 2024. I remember as soon as I arrived, the sunset popped OFF. The mountains whispered, “welcome back love”. This time around, the journey looked a little different. I had an asthma flare up during the process of this move. I was trying to heal it naturally but a month and a half went by and I was not well. I finally went to the doctor and got put on steroids/antibiotics and I felt better within days. What shocks me is that I have had zero asthma problems ever since which is something that I had been struggling with since I had moved close to the oil factories near Detroit in 2020.
Life felt different this time around in Colorado. I was more social, putting myself out there more with my business. I was traveling here & there (which will always be in my life). I remember I finally started to feel like I was experiencing this town and Colorado in the way that I wanted to in 2023, but didn’t get the chance to because I was so anti-social and in my head about everything. I prayed that my days would look a little something like this.
I found a dance studio in Boulder that I started going to called Mi Chantli. This place quickly became a safe haven for me to expand my movement practice. I found community there. I found pure joy there. I found a space that respects and honors the different dance cultures. I found community to go out dancing with. I am so grateful for the people that I met through this space. For those that don’t know, the house dance scene in Colorado is alive and well. They throw monthly events in Denver called House Social and my favorite event, Love Language. House dance is very much a communal dance style and culture. It is one where when you are in the club, you are looking up at others, grooving, vibing and smiling with each other. It feels so right to me. I had the pleasure of joining my friends that I met at Mi Chantli on late night adventures going to Love Language or House Social where we would all dance together until we couldn’t move our feet anymore. Those nights were some of my favorites. Sober, free in my movement and soul refreshed.
House Social event in Denver 2024
Nature was my absolute go to while I lived there. I mean, it was right outside my front door. That is something that I reminisce on quite often and miss a lot. The fact that I could walk out my front door and within 5 minutes, I was at the river, I could climb a mountain, or I could drive 10 minutes down a canyon which led me to beautiful riverbanks and rocky terrain that felt like a completely different world. While I lived far from friends, more civilization and the hustle and bustle of normal life, it was like I had my own little nature oasis right there, no matter what was going on. I tend to find that this is my kind of lifestyle. I don’t feel called or drawn to live in the cities. There’s so much noise physically and spiritually there. I’d rather live a bit further out in nature and drive to the city, rather than living in the city and having to drive to nature. Priorities right? I just find so much peace and solace in being immersed in the outdoors and allowing myself to be with mama gaia. She teaches me so much. (Another blog post on that). I did feel very torn about this topic though, when I lived there. There was a part of me that yearned deeply to be close to community and simultaneously, nature was the “community” that was there for me. I danced between feeling held by nature and feeling very alone in it all. I remember wishing I had others to share it with. The liminal space that I felt in this period of my life was dense and a very multi-layered feeling. One that continues to linger in slightly different ways. No one prepares you for the nuances and complexities of our emotions. It’s a wild rollercoaster that’s for sure. The body remembers and holds onto things until you express it, release it, and let it go.
